Depression. Anxiety. Mental Health. Those words carry so much shame and guilt for those of us who are affected by them. Guilt and shame for having an illness….that doesn’t make much sense does it? But unfortunately that is the world we STILL live in. The idea that depression and anxiety are somehow not real continues to linger in our society, along with the idea that people who have that kind of “crazy” should just keep it quietly to themselves.
Many people will not share their depression or anxiety diagnosis with anyone, not even a close friend, family member, or pastor. The idea of telling someone that we are battling depression makes us want to hide in our room, lock the door, and throw away the key. Embarrassed doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling.
How do we explain to someone who has never experienced depression, that despair, darkness, and sorrow seem to permeate ever fiber of our being…and that no matter how much we try to “cheer up” and focus on our blessings, we are struggling. Literally struggling to survive each day, each hour, each moment.
“What will people think if I tell them I have depression and anxiety? Will they think I’m crazy? Maybe I AM crazy. If I hear someone else tell me to just “cheer up” or “relax”…ugh! No one understands.”
The Unseen Illness
Depression is one of the most unseen medical illnesses that I know of. What do I mean by “unseen” you may ask. A lot of people do not recognize depression as a true medical illness. There are various reasons for this. Some people think it’s just made up or all in your head, while others believe it is an attempt to garner attention. Others think that people with depression just aren’t trying hard enough. They feel that they should cheer up and move on.
Many people just do not want to hear about it. Either they do not believe all the depression mumbo jumbo, or they just don’t care to listen to so much negativity. Now of course, I am not saying that everyone is like this. Some people genuinely care and want to listen. But others get this look on their face as if they are thinking, “Wow. Wish I hadn’t asked. Wonder how long this will take!” I’m just being real here! We are so afraid of what people may think or say, that we keep all of these dark feelings bottled up inside.
There is so much stigma surrounding depression that people do not talk openly about it. People do not rally around a person who is battling depression like they would if that person were suffering with a more visible illness, like diabetes or heart disease. You don’t hear of people sending get well soon cards when someone is going through a depressive episode, and you don’t hear of people starting a meal train for someone who is battling depression.
Shhhh! We can’t talk about that.
The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 17.3 million adults experienced at least one major depressive episode in 2017. Wow! That is a lot of hurting people. I wonder how many of them had anyone who offered their support, helping them get through their period of despair.
We need to bring depression out of the shadows. Depression needs to be seen by everyone. People with depression should not have to feel shame for battling depression, and they should feel comfortable talking openly about it. Family members and friends need to embrace the one who is in a depressive episode, not question it.
If you know someone who has been diagnosed with depression, do some research. Find out what you can about the symptoms and common behavioral characteristics a person may display when struggling with a depressive episode. Show compassion to that person. Ask them what you can do to help. Please do not take it personally if they seem to avoid your calls or texts. Realize that is part of the depression. Say a prayer for them and just keep trying.
I Have Clinical Depression.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2000. Just a few months earlier, I had been through a traumatic emotional event in my life, and I began to experience loss of appetite, low energy, extreme fatigue, and constant feelings of hopelessness and despair. So I went to see my physician at the urging of my parents, and he prescribed an antidepressant. That initial treatment did help with my appetite, but there was no relief for the other symptoms. I eventually found an antidepressant that did work, and I started to feel a little more normal. When the medication started working, I didn’t even think about being depressed. That’s when you know you’re better… when depression isn’t even on your radar. However after about one year, the medication stopped working. So I had to go through the process of trying several other antidepressants before finding one that halfway helped.
What Depression Feels Like to Me
Clinical depression is not sadness, and it is not grief. It is not heart break, and it is not something you can get your mind off of or forget about. It is despair and hopelessness at its finest, and it is always there, tagging along like an unwanted parasite. You wake up with it and you go to sleep with it. When you have depression, anything that would normally cause joy, doesn’t. You may try to muster up the same kind of joy you used to have before you suffered with depression… IF you can remember what life was like before depression took over.
No amount of money, no thing, and no place helps to get rid of depression. Depression is like a thief who comes to steal your joy and everything inside of you that causes you to feel joy. Regardless of where you are and who you are with, it will still be there. I can’t just go to my happy place and feel better.
I LOVE to go to Disney World. To me, Disney is truly the happiest place on earth. If I had the choice, I’d be there right now. It always feels magical to me, and whenever I go, I feel like a kid again, happy and carefree. However, when I am going through a depressive episode, even Disney will not bring me out of the depression. I would still feel the despair and darkness, and I would feel very little, if any, joy.
Normal daily functions like taking a shower, preparing a meal, or talking on the phone, can be difficult when you have depression. Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and hopelessness plague our minds for weeks or months on end. Everything we do seems useless, without purpose or meaning.
The following is an unedited text I sent to a family member a few years ago in an attempt to explain what I was going through. This was me trying to navigate through the midst of depression at its worst.
I am so depressed, and I cannot explain to you how that feels. Someone who has never had depression does not understand. Clinical depression is not a normal sad feeling. It is not just feeling blue. You cannot just “cheer up” or turn it off. Depression is an imbalance of chemicals within your body: serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. It is a sickness just like diabetes or high blood pressure.
I was diagnosed over 17 years ago, but I have actually battled it my entire life. Some years are pretty good, and I feel ok, even though it still lingers in my mind like a little, dark cloud that doesn’t completely go away. Then some years are not good. When I have a flare up, that dark cloud gets huge and completely fills my mind and my thoughts…so much so that I see everything through the lens of that dark cloud, through the lens of depression. Every single minute, I feel it. Everything I do or say filters through it. I cannot will it away, and I cannot pretend it is not there. It is literally impossible to put on a happy face and go through the motions of life like it’s not there. It is lonely and isolating, and it is worse when you don’t have anyone to talk to about it who understands how you feel.
Penny Fox
The Fatigue
It really sucks, like literally sucks the life out of you. It’s not a regular “tired after working all day” kind of fatigue. This fatigue consumes you and doesn’t go away. Depression makes you feel like you need to sleep for a week or a month. When you wake up from a four hour afternoon nap, you just want to go back to bed and sleep until tomorrow morning. We start to believe that energy is something that only exists in fairy tales.
I have zero energy when my depression is in full swing, and I mean like not even enough energy to take a shower. And then when I DO take a shower, that’s it for the rest of the day. I am exhausted. So when someone asks me to hang out for the evening or go to dinner, I am reluctant to say yes. Plus, sometimes I don’t feel comfortable telling them why I cannot make plans. I always feel like they don’t want to hear about how my life is on a downward spiral.
A phone conversation requires more physical and mental energy than I have. Therefore I become a hermit, and well-meaning friends and family constantly tell me how I need to get out of the house more often. I actually had a family member say to me, “you just need to pull yourself up by your boot straps” as if depression was something within my control. Yea that was really motivating and inspiring for me…NOT. Then comes the guilt.
The Guilt
People with depression carry around so much guilt because depression causes us to miss out on so much.
We have guilt for…
- turning down invitations to dinner
- not spending time with our friends and family
- not answering the phone when a friend calls
- “sleeping our life away” like everyone tells us
- having a messy house because our homes reflect the chaos in our minds
- cancelling yet another appointment
- not being able to fake a happy face
- not having the energy to keep up with life
We don’t want to feel this way! We don’t want to miss out on everything, and we do want to feel better.
WE WANT TO FEEL NORMAL!
Here is one of my journal entries from a couple years ago when I was in the midst of a depressive episode.
I am tired of living with depression. I am tired of the constant, daily, minute by minute battle that I have to engage in. Every minute I am paralyzed by the depression and anxiety that overwhelm my mind. I know that the battle lies completely in my mind….it’s all in my head…my thoughts are the enemy. If it is all in my head, then why not just ignore those annoying, depressing, dark thoughts and go on about my day, do what I need to do, be a productive human being. WHY CAN’T I???? I have a million things I need to do, and I have a life I need to start living. I’m struggling to even survive day to day, much less complete a “to do” list.
Treatment
The thing with antidepressants is that they take about four to six weeks to start working, and different people need different antidepressants. It’s basically a trial and error kind of thing. Therefore, a person may go through several medications before finding one that helps them. That means it may take many months before they start feeling better.
Another possibility that can make depression even more difficult to treat is that sometimes the commonly used antidepressants either do not work at all or provide only minimal relief. Sometimes a secondary medication needs to be added to the regimen. For a person already suffering from depression, treatment failure can be very discouraging.
Therapy is also recommended for people with depression. Having a therapist to talk to about your emotions, thoughts, and fears can be helpful. A therapist can also help us identify positive changes we can make to improve our depression and overall mental health.
We Need to Talk About Our Depression.
Even though we are afraid to tell someone, we want to talk to someone about our depression. Deep down, we really want to be able to pour our heart out to someone who is willing to listen, but we know that we would be exposing ourselves and our innermost feelings. That is very hard. Therefore, we need someone we can trust.
If we choose to share our depression with you, we don’t expect you to come up with a solution. We just need you to listen while we try to explain how we feel. Don’t judge us and don’t look at us like we are crazy, because we already feel crazy.
Choose your words wisely
PLEASE DO NOT SAY:
- Cheer up!
- Just think positive.
- Try not to think about it.
- You’re too blessed to be stressed.
- It’s all in your head.
- Toughen up
- You just worry too much.
- It could be worse.
- Stop thinking about yourself so much.
Just be there for us. Let us cry on your shoulder. We need you more than you realize. Show that you care. Give us a call as often as you can to check on us. Sometimes we may not answer, but please don’t take it personally.
Please don’t tell me, “You’re too blessed to be stressed.”
During one of my darkest times with depression, my cousin started texting me first thing every morning. Then he would call me later that day. I cannot even begin to explain how much he helped me by doing that. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Most days, I had no desire whatsoever to talk to anyone on the phone. I was so depressed that I did not have the mental energy needed to carry on a conversation, but he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. He would keep texting me and blowing up my phone calling me until I had to answer.
The funny thing is, after a week or so, I actually started to look forward to his texts and calls. The fact that someone cared enough to carve out a few minutes of their busy day just to call me and check on me brought me so much joy. God used him to rescue me from the depths of despair.
My note to anyone battling depression
If you are in a depressive episode, please know that God is with you. He is for you and not against you. God has not forgotten you, and He loves you with an unfailing love. He will see you through this. Read God’s Word every day even if you don’t feel like it and even if you don’t understand what you are reading. Start with the book of Psalm. When reading the book of Psalm, you will realize that you are not alone in your feelings of hopelessness. Others have also been in despair and have felt like you do. God’s Word is alive, and the Holy Spirit speaks to us through His Word. Pour your heart out to God. Tell Him exactly how you are feeling. He can take it.
If you have a friend who is willing to listen to your story of how depression has affected you, please realize that you have a treasure in that friend. Not everyone is comfortable listening to what they consider a “pity party” and not everyone possesses empathy as a character strength. Having a friend who listens and actually calls to check on you regularly is a blessing straight from God. That in itself is a reason to keep fighting and pushing forward.
